As I gaze outside, watching the rain drops unite with puddles on the street, I wonder why sadness is here.
In March of this year, I suffered a hip injury, got into a car accident and my son accidentally broke my nose—all within one month. Then I had to endure the pain of surgery from which my nose was re-broken and moved back into place. The effects of whiplash and the hip injury lingered. To add to this, I had been feeling emotionally taxed from my mother’s battle with liver and lung cancer.
It was clear; this was a time for growth.
Since this painful, conflicted time in my life began, I felt I needed to pay closer attention to my emotions. I strived to be aware of my mood so I could feel better.
My mind wanted to create more suffering.
My mind wanted to go into familiar stories about the pain.
My ego wanted to drag me down into despair.
My mind wanted me to play the victim and blame.
But I wouldn’t let it.
Instead, I carefully chose my thoughts to guide me back to healing, light and love. My body was suffering enough already. Why would I contribute to that pain with my negative thinking?
Only three months later, sadness returned during my yoga practice. Sadness had come to the surface, ready to move out.
I suffered from depression for 12 years. In 2009, I began my journey out of depression. I learned that these feelings can’t be turned around immediately. They need to gradually shift. I know that the momentum of depression has been ingrained deep within my body, my organs and my cells. Fortunately, my yoga practice unravels it, draws it out and heals it.
Over time, I’ve changed that underlying momentum of depression to sadness. I’ve done it with lots of compassion, mindfulness and loving kindness for myself. I’m not a prisoner to the downward spiral of depression anymore these days.
Yet the great sadness still remained, calling for healing once again this morning.
I must witness and feel the sadness as I allow space for appreciation.
I must let it be here. All of it.
This negative emotion is telling me to care about myself. The negative emotion is reminding me to return back home to love.
I have discovered that appreciation softens sadness.
Appreciation heals the broken pieces of my heart. They’re calling out for comfort, like a scared and lost child in the night.
I trust the sadness will heal. I trust the sadness will pass. I love and care far too much about myself to go back there again.
I work to focus on the joy and invite the guest of sadness in. I know it will dissolve just like storm clouds into the rays of the sun. It is only temporary. As all things are.