“Write from your heart, Cyndi. Write from truth,” I heard a little voice say when I sat down to write.
I wish I could tell you this was a time of joy for me. I wish I could rest in the “all is wellness” that is. From truth, it is a time of great sadness. A time of transition, a time of growth, a time of transformation. A time to blossom into the being I am destined to become.
I carry many burdens these days; burdens of grief. I practice noticing and letting it be. As I shift my focus, some days, it feels like too great a challenge. The practice is so intense. The practice feels exhausting. I know deep in my soul that I am meant to learn from this. I am meant to use the pain to grow.
I understand the universe is giving me the contrast I need; giving me the lessons I need to become the best version of myself. These lessons are the gems. These lessons are the gifts of life. Transmuting the pain means I am able to feel the greatest joy. I understand and always come to gratitude for the gifts I receive. Yet while I am in the lesson, while my ego still perceives these gifts as struggle, I suffer.
Shifting into gratitude for those gems is a new habit for me. Some moments, hours and even days, I am still practiced in the habitual vibration of stress and seeing what is unwanted. To heal, to feel better, to expand, I must emit a higher vibration.
I must focus on what is wanted.
That new story challenges the familiarity of my ego. That is how I thrive and feel better. It’s how I turn my life toward ease instead of resting in fear.
The fear story is so practiced. It seems so real. I get so deeply attached to it some days that I believe the ego. I believe it is me. I believe the struggle and lack the strength to let it go.
Some days, it’s more comfortable to be in hell because that is what I know. The familiarity is soothing. The attachment is strong. On days when my awareness grows stronger, I detach from the fear story and soothe myself with my thinking and self care practices.
The fear story is not me—it’s not who I am. Why does my mind continue with these fearful thoughts? Why am I so attached to that suffering?
Stop those fearful thoughts, stop the suffering.
“It’s OK to let go, my love,” I silently whispered to myself.
Who would I be without that fear? Can I see the golden light of the sun kiss the glowing colors of the falling autumn leaves? Can I hear my son’s infectious laugh and let his smile fill my heart? Or is my suffering, my past wounds, my ego comparing and self-loathing more important?
Can I shift into the now where the past and future dissolve? Am I ready to be free? Am I ready to create, let things be and invite in the stream of well-being the universe has for me? Can I forget what is and just breathe into the possibility of what will be?
We are on the brink of joy. I feel it. This sadness will pass. It’s okay that we are in transition and I have never been so uncomfortable. I graciously breathe into it and know it is for my expansion.
I’m receiving exactly what I asked for. The storm before the calm. I must trust. I must. Forgiving and releasing these old patterns will bring all that I desire to me. I wonder if I’m strong enough. I wonder if I will make it. And then I remember I’m not alone and my guides will see me through. I am loved and cared for. Thank you thank you thank you.
“The only way to make sense of change, is to plunge into it, live with it and join the dance.”Alan Watts